Volatile couples: how to improve your relationship
Introduction
There's nothing worse than an argument with your partner. And yet, studies show that almost 80% of couples do have an argument at least once a week. How can you make your relationship less volatile? In this article, we'll explore how to improve the way you fight with your partner so that disagreements don't escalate into full-blown fights or arguments—and instead become healthy discussions about important topics.
It's normal to fight with your partner.
While it's normal to fight with your partner, too much arguing can be harmful. It's easy to think that fighting is a sign of a healthy relationship and that if you weren't having disagreements, there would be something wrong with your relationship. But in reality, the way couples fight is more important than how often they do it.
For instance: “Jen and Mark have been married for 10 years and seem happy together on the outside but have started fighting more often over things like chores or money management," says marriage counsellor Nicholas Purcell. "Their fights are starting to wear on both of them." While some couples might choose not to speak about their issues because they're afraid of hurting each other's feelings or creating tension in an otherwise peaceful household (which is understandable), Purcell says these problems require attention early on—not later on when things become unbearable.
Some fighting styles are worse than others.
As you can see, each style comes with its own unique set of problems. The difference between the two styles is that while the passive-aggressive type will probably not do anything to escalate an argument, they only want to avoid conflicts and refuse to speak up when they're upset. They may also try to make their partner feel guilty for things that aren't their fault or try to put themselves in situations where their partner can't help but be angry at them (like throwing away paperwork that needs to be filled out).
Conversely, aggressive types will almost certainly escalate arguments into fights (and often break things or get physical) because they have trouble controlling their emotions and usually don't know how else to react when they're upset about something. If a fight does happen then it's also likely that these couples will have more issues outside of just this one problem area; for example if both partners are aggressive then it's possible for them both being verbally abusive towards one another during arguments which could lead other people getting involved due their behavior being so severely out-of-line.
In the heat of the moment, you can calm yourself down.
When you're feeling riled up, try to calm yourself down by taking a deep breath. This will help you focus on the issue at hand and how best to resolve it.
Try to understand the other person's point of view; don't take anything they say personally (even if it feels like they're attacking you). In some cases, your partner may be venting their frustration or anger at an entirely different person or situation—or even just blowing off steam and not meaning anything by it!
Try to put yourself in their shoes: what do they want out of this conversation? What would make them feel heard? Is there a way that both of you could compromise so that everyone gets what they need without compromising too much?
It's possible to de-escalate a fight.
You can also ask your partner to wait until you've calmed down before responding. You might say something like, "I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed right now, so I need some time to think about what happened before we talk about it." This will give you some space from the argument so that when you do come back together, both of you will have had time to cool off and reflect.
If he seems unwilling or unable to accept your request for more time—or if his response is more aggressive than usual—then call a friend or family member and ask them for advice on how best to de-escalate the situation. If possible, remove yourself from the conflict altogether by leaving the room or house while trying not to provoke any further confrontation between yourselves until later (and with better heads).
Three things to keep in mind when a fight is brewing.
The following are three tips to keep in mind when a fight is brewing:
Don't get defensive. It's easy to get defensive when you feel that your partner is attacking or criticizing you, and it's tempting to react by turning things around on them, pointing out their flaws, and making assumptions about what they're thinking. But this can lead them to think of you as someone who doesn't listen, who isn't open-minded or willing to compromise. Instead of reacting defensively (or even proactively), take some time before responding so that both people can calm down and approach the issue from a place of reason rather than emotion.
Don't make assumptions about what another person is thinking or feeling based on their behavior—even if it seems like they're being unreasonable or unfair at first glance; especially if there's a lot at stake financially or emotionally for one individual within the relationship; and most importantly whenever anything in question has been said aloud within earshot of others outside said couple's immediate circle (whereas keeping everything private tends only lead towards misunderstandings). Instead ask questions until all questions have been answered thoroughly enough such that no more could possibly arise later on down the road—which may mean asking those same questions over again simply because something wasn't clear enough when said originally!
Disagreements don't have to escalate into a fight or argument.
It's not just your relationship that's volatile—you are, too. You're a different person with your partner than you are with anyone else, and when you two get into an argument, it can be difficult to keep things civil. But there are ways to disagree without getting angry or starting an argument:
Stay calm and respectful in tone—and don't make it personal! Describe what happened honestly but avoid blaming each other or playing the victim card; remember that this is about sharing your perspectives on a topic rather than "winning."
Listen closely for points of agreement between yourself and your partner before discussing areas where you disagree. This will help prevent the conversation from escalating into an argument by showing respect for their point of view even if you don't agree with it.
Give yourself some time after the conversation before making any decisions about how you're going to proceed—you may find yourself more willing or able to compromise once emotions have settled down (or vice versa).
There are ways to make relationships less volatile and more healthy
There are a number of ways to make your relationship less volatile and more healthy.
Recognize the signs of a volatile relationship. If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time, or if one false move could send your partner flying into a rage, that may be a sign that things are getting hostile in your home. It’s also important to pay attention to whether there is any kind of pattern: do you and your partner tend to get into arguments about specific topics? That might be something worth exploring further.
Be aware of your own triggers and those of your partner(s). Everyone has their buttons—and when these buttons get pushed, they can often result in an angry outburst or passive aggression (or both!). You can learn what yours are by paying attention when they get pushed; once you know what they are, it will help you avoid confrontation at those times and hopefully reduce their frequency overall. For example, if someone makes fun of my height (which is 5'10"), I have been known to lose my temper—so now I'm careful not only about what I say but also how quickly I say it! Knowing this has helped me greatly improve my relationships with people who don't know me well enough yet not only because now they know better than ever not even think about making fun again but also because now I am able understand why other people might become upset if brought up too suddenly with certain topics."
Conclusion
In this article, I've tried to outline some ways that you can improve the volatility of your relationship. The key takeaway is that there are both external and internal factors at play here—the way that other people treat you, as well as how you respond to them, will influence how volatile or peaceful your relationship feels. If you find yourself getting frustrated with your partner a lot and feeling like all hope was lost, don't despair! There are plenty of things we can do to make our relationships less volatile in this world.
