Am I a selfish partner? How to know and what to do if you are
Introduction
We're all selfish in our relationships. It's normal, and it's human nature. But if you've been accused of being selfish by your partner, there might be some truth to it. The key is figuring out if that accusation is warranted or not—and what you can do about it if it is.
"Selfish" is a loaded word.
"Selfish" is a loaded word. It can be used as a criticism or praise, depending on the situation and the person using it. If your girlfriend calls you selfish because you canceled dinner plans in favor of watching Game of Thrones alone in your apartment, that's probably not great. But if your best friend tells you he thinks you're being selfish for going out with friends instead of staying home to watch movies with him and his girlfriend, then he's probably just saying so because he wants to hang out with someone else!
A common misconception about "selfishness" is that it's always bad—but this isn't necessarily true! Being self-centered or preoccupied with yourself can help drive innovation and growth (and sometimes even lead to world peace). However, if the person who's being selfish doesn't understand how their actions affect others around them (or worse: doesn't care), then there are problems that need addressing before things get out of hand.
You might be selfish if...
It's important to remember that there's a difference between being selfless and being selfish. Selflessness is about putting others first, letting go of your own needs, and giving more than you take. But when someone is selfish, it means they only think about their own needs and don't consider how their actions affect others. They also don't care about other people's feelings or share with others in any way (including money).
If you find yourself doing any of these things on a regular basis...
You're always in a hurry to get things done because you want to be somewhere else; for example, leaving the house before your partner has finished getting dressed or waking up early so that you can do some work before anyone else wakes up
You can't be bothered with household chores like cleaning or cooking even though there are many people living under one roof who need help taking care of things like keeping food stocked in the fridge
You rarely call friends back when they need something from you even though they're supposed to be your friends
But I actually can't help it!
If you can relate to the above, then it’s likely that you have some trouble putting yourself in other people’s shoes. You may have a hard time understanding how your actions affect others and therefore have a hard time controlling your emotions. If this is the case, then there are several things you can do to make it easier on yourself—and those around you!
First of all, find ways of taking care of yourself without being selfish (i.e., not doing everything for everyone else). It might sound like I'm encouraging selfishness here but trust me: putting yourself at the top of your priorities list will allow everyone else on it to breathe more easily. It's not about what is best for them; it's about what is best for you!
Next up? Practice mindfulness techniques such as counting breaths or focusing solely on one thing in order to center yourself before interacting with others again. This will help prevent flare ups from happening too often or too quickly when they do occur (which happens more often than we'd like).
You might not realize you're being selfish.
You might not realize you're being selfish. Selfishness can be hard to detect in yourself because of the nature of the emotion: it's an attitude that comes from within, so it's easy to think that everything is fine when you're feeling unloved or taken for granted in your relationship.
Many people who don't see themselves as self-centered may still feel like they could use some improvement, which is normal! Nobody is perfect all the time and we all have faults we need to work on—that's what makes us human! But if you're consistently making choices that prioritize your needs over those of your partner, even though they've voiced their unhappiness with this behavior multiple times? That's probably something worth addressing before it becomes a bigger issue for everybody involved.
How to be less selfish, according to experts
You may not be able to change your partner, but you can change how you behave in response to them. Here are some tips for improving your relationship:
Be more aware of your actions and how they affect others. Being selfish is often a result of not realizing the impact of our behaviors on others, says psychiatrist Dr. Joseph Cilona. "We need to check in with ourselves as often as possible and make sure we're acting appropriately," he says in an article for Psychology Today.
Be more aware of how you're feeling and why you feel that way, instead of blaming others for making you feel bad after the fact (for example, saying "you made me mad"). Whether it's acknowledging anger before it escalates into something worse or recognizing that the source is actually sadness rather than irritation (a common mistake), being able to recognize what's going on inside yourself can help put things into perspective when interacting with your partner—and thus reduce selfishness overall!
What should you do if your partner accuses you of being selfish?
If your partner accuses you of being selfish, it's important to be understanding and not defensive. While they may not be able to articulate why they feel this way, their feelings are valid. As a first step, remind them that there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting things for yourself—everyone does! Next, listen to what they’re saying and try to understand where their concerns are coming from. Once you have some clarity on the situation, share how you feel about it: Do you feel like their request would make life harder? Are there other ways that could achieve the same goal without creating more work for yourself? And finally: Be open to compromise! The only way relationships survive is by working together as a team sometimes instead of just taking turns getting everything we want all the time.
If your partner opens up and tells you they think you are selfish, take it seriously and have an honest discussion about what they think needs to change, and how you can both get there together.
If your partner opens up and tells you they think you are selfish, take it seriously and have an honest discussion about what they think needs to change, and how you can both get there together.
Listen to their concerns. Don't interrupt or try to make excuses for yourself—this will create distance in the relationship. Instead, ask questions that allow you both to explore the issue together in a non-judgmental way: “What kind of things do I do or say that make me seem selfish?” “How does my behavior affect our relationship?” “What can we do together so that I'm not being selfish anymore?”
Be open to change: If your partner says something like “You always leave dirty dishes out all day long!” don't get defensive by saying things like “I'm just too busy right now! When my schedule gets easier I'll take better care of the housework." Instead acknowledge how their feelings were hurt when these things happened, then offer solutions such as taking turns on chores or hiring someone else from time-to-time so one person doesn't end up doing all of them alone (and still feel resentful).
Conclusion
If your partner opens up and tells you they think you are selfish, take it seriously and have an honest discussion about what they think needs to change, and how you can both get there together. It may be time for a change in the relationship, or just a change in the way you interact with each other. Remember that everyone has their own version of "selfishness," so don't judge yourself too harshly if your partner is telling them something different than what we've discussed here today. But also remember that being aware of how much attention we give ourselves versus others is key to having healthier relationships overall.
