Is Jordan Peterson's relationship advice any good?

Introduction

Jordan Peterson is a Canadian psychologist and professor at the University of Toronto. He has a massive following and has written several best-selling books on topics like religion, mythology and psychology. Recently, he's been making headlines for his comments about gender pronouns and his support for certain people in power, including President Donald Trump. However, many of his fans also love him because he gives relationship advice that seems to come from another era: an era where people wore suits every day and were expected to marry within their social class.

To find out if this advice works — or if it could ever work again — I tried it myself! Here's what happened (spoiler alert: things didn't go according to plan).

Peterson believes the hierarchy of needs are real.

Jordan Peterson is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of Toronto. He gained notoriety after he refused to use gender-neutral pronouns in class, which resulted in him being labelled as transphobic by many on campus. Since then, he has used his YouTube channel and podcast to explain his views on various topics, including psychology and politics.

Peterson explains how he believes that there are 5 levels of needs that must be met for people to be happy: Physiological needs (food/water), Safety (from physical harm or illness), Belonging (a sense of community), Esteem (social status) and finally Self-Actualization (achieving one’s full potential). These needs are ranked hierarchically so that once you have satisfied one need, it takes precedence over those below it.

Love will make you unhappy.

If you're in love, then you're vulnerable. Love is not something you can control; it's a dangerous emotion that exposes your most tender parts to someone else. And if they decide to leave, then it will hurt badly. If they stay with you, then over time the relationship will become boring and stale and unfulfilling—and that too will hurt badly. So love isn't something I would recommend for anyone who wants to be happy in life—it's more like an addiction than anything else: one that makes people feel good but ultimately leaves them feeling empty inside.

Marriage is an active choice.

Jordan Peterson’s advice for a successful marriage is very simple, but also very true. It’s that marriage is an active choice. You have to work at it, and you have to be committed.

Of course this isn't the only way you can interpret his message—there are plenty of people who would say that no relationship is worth all that effort or sacrifice and that some things aren't worth working on even when they're important—but it's clear that he believes in the importance of making your partnership work if you want it to succeed over time (so don't think about cheating on anyone).

Talk less, be kinder to your partner.

This is good advice for men. Talking less and being kinder to your partner is a good idea for many reasons, but it's especially important for men because they tend to think of themselves as the "initiators." If a man feels like he's doing most of the initiating in his relationship (i.e., asking his partner out on dates, planning activities for them together), then he might feel resentful if his female partner doesn't reciprocate by initiating her own plans or activities. At the same time, this can also be bad advice because it places all of the burden on men to initiate their relationships and it doesn't give women any responsibility at all other than just passively receiving whatever attention their male partner gives them.

'The unloved aspect of yourself'

"The unloved aspect of yourself." This is a phrase that Peterson has repeated many times in his work, and it's one that I've heard from other self-help gurus as well. It's the idea that you need to love yourself before you can be loved by another person, which is often used as an excuse for why someone has ended up single or unhappy in relationships.

But what if nothing could be further from the truth? What if learning how to love ourselves isn't about becoming "whole," but rather about accepting our fullness?

That seems like a radical idea, doesn't it? But consider this: if there are parts of ourselves we don't like because they remind us of something we see as negative or shameful—like our weight or lack of education—then those things aren't going anywhere unless we deal with them head-on. By not integrating these aspects into our sense of self, they remain as shadows lurking under every interaction with others; even when someone loves us unconditionally (and who doesn’t want someone who does?), their acceptance won’t fully dissolve those shadows until we do the hard work necessary to accept them ourselves.

The father/mother dynamic.

Jordan Peterson's relationships advice is all about the father/mother dynamic. The father is the leader, and the mother is the nurturer. The father provides for his family, while the mother cares for them. These roles are very distinct in nature, but Jordan Peterson has a way of making these roles feel interchangeable through their relationship with each other.

The first piece of advice I hear from my partner when I'm struggling with something is to "talk to your dad". When I'm upset or don't know how to handle something at work, he tells me to "talk to your mum". This may sound like an obvious joke or dismissive answer; however, it's actually quite profound when you think about it—and especially because it comes from someone who isn't even remotely related by blood!

Peterson's advice isn't compatible with our current world.

• We’re living in uncertain times. In the wake of the #MeToo movement and the public reckoning with sexual harassment, assault and abuse, many people are reevaluating how they interact with others. They’re more open to non-traditional relationships and more likely to define themselves as individualistic rather than subordinate themselves to a partner.

• Marriage is no longer a guarantee for anyone — especially women who earn 74 cents on every dollar their male counterparts earn (and even less if you're black). As a result, there are fewer opportunities for men like Peterson who want to be married before having sex with someone new; it's harder for them to find partners who want what he does.

• More people are living together without getting married at all, making Peterson's advice seem even more outdated: according to Pew Research Center data from 2018, 6% of American adults report they have “cohabitated but never married” while 3% report being divorced or separated from their spouse but still cohabitating with them (these numbers may have increased since then).

In the past few decades, we have seen a major shift in how people view marriage — it’s no longer a huge deal for everyone. People are more open to non-traditional relationships and more likely to define themselves as individualistic rather than subordinate themselves to a partner. Marriage is no longer a guarantee for anyone — especially women who earn 74 cents on every dollar their male counterparts earn (and even less if you're black). As a result, there are fewer opportunities for men like Peterson who want to be married before having sex with someone new; it's harder for them

Conclusion

Peterson’s advice is not perfect, but it is definitely worth listening to. He has a lot of faults—it’s easy to see how his beliefs might be harmful or even dangerous in some cases. But he also has some useful ideas about how men and women should interact with each other. If you listen to what Peterson says with an open mind, then you might find yourself doing better at relationships than ever before!