Are you married to a drunk? How to stop being part of the problem and improve your relationship

Introduction

Are you married to a drunk? This can be a serious problem and not one that is easy to fix. You might think, "He's just going through a rough patch." Or "She's having some issues I don't understand." But if you think your spouse has an alcohol problem, there are steps you can take to help them get better.

You might be enabling your spouse.

• You might be enabling your spouse.

• You might be helping them to avoid the consequences of their drinking.

• You might be allowing them to drink more often, or at least as often as they want (and they will want it all the time).

• Your spouse may also begin drinking more heavily and dangerously once they know you won't stop them from doing so.

Stop being an enabler.

If you're married to a drinker, it's important that you stop enabling them. Enabling is one of the main reasons why people continue to drink.

Enabling means making excuses for your spouse's drinking and taking responsibility for his or her actions when they occur because of alcohol use. For example, if your spouse gets drunk at a party and embarrasses himself in front of everyone, instead of telling him how disappointed or angry you are with his behavior, maybe even asking him why he did what he did (which could lead to some valuable insights), instead say something like: "It was not my fault that everyone saw what happened." Or another example--if he gets into an argument with another person at home over something trivial like where the remote control is located on the couch or who should take out the trash next time around (two common arguments between couples), rather than saying something like "I don't think this conversation needs to get any more heated than it already has," try saying something like: "I'm sorry but I need some space right now."

Identify the emotional triggers.

Emotional triggers are things that make you feel a certain way. They can be positive or negative, physical, mental or emotional. For example:

• When your partner tells you that he/she loves you and wants to spend the rest of his/her life with you (positive emotional trigger)

• When your partner says something nasty about one of your friends (negative emotional trigger)

This is important because when we are triggered by something, it takes us back to our past experiences. If these experiences were bad ones then we will react badly in the future too!

You cannot control your partner's drinking, but you can change the dynamic of your relationship.

• You cannot control your partner's drinking, but you can change the dynamic of your relationship.

• If you want to make things better, then it is important that both of you take responsibility for your own actions and behaviors in the relationship. In order to do this, it is important that each partner understand their role in creating an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

• What does this mean? Well, first let's talk about what doesn't work: blame, shame and guilt are not effective tools for helping someone with alcohol problems or any other type of addiction -- including gambling addiction! These tactics will only further alienate the person struggling with their substance use disorder (SUD).

Get help for yourself, if necessary.

If you're the partner of an alcoholic, it's important to get help for yourself. You may need support from family members and friends, as well as professional counseling and therapy. If your partner is open to it, this can be especially helpful because he or she will have someone else to talk about his drinking with who doesn't have any personal stake in the situation (i.e., someone who isn't emotionally invested). If not, then seek out support groups that meet regularly for people in similar situations--such as Al-Anon (for family members of alcoholics) or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

Your partner's drinking is not your fault.

• Your partner's drinking is not your fault. You cannot control it, and you should not feel responsible for the situation.

• Seek counselling to work through the issues in your relationship and get help with how you can change the dynamic of it.

Don't take it personally.

The first step to dealing with a spouse's drinking is to not take it personally.

Your spouse might be an alcoholic, but you're not an alcoholic. Your relationship is not doomed because of this one issue. In fact, your marriage could be stronger than ever if both partners are willing to work on their individual issues and communicate openly about them--but only if you're willing to do what it takes!

Be prepared for what comes next.

The first step is to admit that you have a problem. The second step is to get help. The third, fourth and fifth steps are all about taking responsibility for your own actions, making a plan and following through with it.

Seek counselling to work through the issues and develop a healthier relationship.

• Seek counselling to work through the issues and develop a healthier relationship.

Counselling can help you understand your role in the situation, as well as your partner's behaviour. It will also give you strategies for dealing with the situation and improving it.

Conclusion

If you are married to an alcoholic, it's important to understand that your partner's drinking is not your fault. You cannot control your partner's drinking, but you can change the dynamic of your relationship by seeking help for yourself and being prepared for what comes next. If necessary, seek counselling together so that both of you can work through the issues surrounding alcohol use in order to develop healthier relationships with each other and others around them who care about them too