7 Common Reasons Sex Declines in Long-Term Relationships—and How to Rekindle It
As relationships mature, many couples experience a decline in sexual activity or passion. While this is a normal part of any long-term partnership, it can leave couples feeling disconnected, frustrated, or uncertain about their relationship. The good news is that understanding the underlying reasons for this decline can help you address the issue and rediscover intimacy with your partner.
Here are seven common reasons why sex declines in long-term relationships, along with actionable steps to reignite the spark.
1. Routine and Familiarity Have Taken Over
Over time, routines can dominate a relationship, turning once-exciting interactions into predictable patterns. The spontaneity and mystery that fueled early passion often give way to habit, which can dampen desire.
How to Break the Routine
Introduce Novelty: Plan new experiences together, such as taking a dance class, trying a new restaurant, or going on an adventurous trip. Shared novelty can reignite excitement.
Spice Things Up: Experiment with new activities in the bedroom. This might include exploring fantasies, introducing role-play, or simply changing the setting.
Surprise Each Other: Small, unexpected gestures—like leaving a love note, planning a surprise date, or buying a thoughtful gift—can reignite feelings of excitement.
2. Stress and Exhaustion Are Taking a Toll
Stress and exhaustion are some of the most common culprits behind a decline in sexual activity. In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to let work, family, and daily responsibilities drain your energy and leave little room for intimacy.
How Stress and Fatigue Affect Desire
Stress triggers the release of cortisol, a hormone that suppresses sexual desire. Exhaustion, whether from physical labor, emotional strain, or lack of sleep, further reduces energy levels, making sex feel like just another task on an overwhelming to-do list. Over time, this can create a cycle where one or both partners begin to associate intimacy with effort rather than enjoyment.
Practical Steps to Manage Stress as a Couple
Prioritize Rest and Recovery: Sleep is essential for restoring energy and balancing hormones. Create a consistent sleep routine, limit screen time before bed, and support each other in getting enough rest. For example, take turns managing household or parenting duties to allow one partner extra rest when needed.
Incorporate Stress-Relief Activities: Activities like yoga, meditation, or even a simple walk together can help reduce cortisol levels. These moments of calm not only benefit individual well-being but also create opportunities for connection.
Support Each Other’s Responsibilities: Stress often arises when one partner feels overburdened. Divide responsibilities more evenly, whether it’s household chores, childcare, or financial planning, to alleviate stress for both partners.
Reconnecting Through Relaxation
Reframing intimacy as a way to relax and unwind together can help break the association between sex and effort. For example:
Create a Relaxing Environment: Dim the lights, light candles, or play soothing music to set the mood for a stress-free connection.
Focus on Physical Affection Without Expectations: Non-sexual touch, like giving each other a massage or simply cuddling, helps reduce stress and builds intimacy without pressure.
By addressing stress as a team, couples can foster a calmer, more supportive environment where intimacy feels natural and enjoyable again.
3. Emotional Distance Has Developed
Emotional intimacy is the bedrock of physical intimacy. When emotional closeness wanes, it can lead to a feeling of disconnection, which often translates into less frequent or less satisfying sex. This emotional distance can stem from unresolved conflicts, a lack of quality time together, or simply taking each other for granted.
Signs of Emotional Disconnection
You feel like roommates rather than romantic partners.
Conversations are limited to logistical topics, like schedules or bills, rather than meaningful discussions.
There’s less physical affection, like hugging, kissing, or holding hands.
How Emotional Distance Impacts Physical Intimacy
Without emotional connection, sex can start to feel mechanical or purely physical, rather than an expression of love and partnership. Over time, this dynamic can lead one or both partners to lose interest in initiating intimacy, further widening the gap.
Rebuilding Emotional Intimacy
Make Time for Meaningful Conversations:
Set aside time to talk without distractions. Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and ask your partner about theirs.
Use open-ended questions, like “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What’s something you’ve been excited about?”
Be an active listener by reflecting on what your partner says and showing empathy.
Practice Gratitude and Appreciation:
Take time to acknowledge the things you admire or appreciate about your partner. A simple “Thank you for taking care of that” or “I love how thoughtful you are” can go a long way.
Express affection through small gestures, like leaving a note, sending a kind text, or planning a thoughtful surprise.
Reconnect Through Shared Activities:
Spend time doing things you both enjoy, whether it’s cooking a meal together, going for a walk, or playing a game. These shared experiences help rebuild closeness and create positive memories.
Repairing Past Conflicts
Unresolved disagreements can create lingering tension that stifles emotional and physical intimacy. If past conflicts are creating a barrier:
Apologize and Forgive: Acknowledge mistakes and express a genuine desire to move forward.
Focus on Solutions: Instead of rehashing old arguments, work together to find ways to prevent similar issues in the future.
Seek Outside Help if Needed: A couples’ therapist can provide tools and strategies for resolving conflicts and rebuilding trust.
Celebrate Small Wins
Rebuilding emotional intimacy takes time, especially if distance has developed over months or years. Celebrate small moments of connection, like a meaningful conversation or a shared laugh, as signs of progress. These moments create a positive feedback loop that strengthens your bond and lays the groundwork for a renewed physical connection.
4. Physical Changes Have Impacted Confidence
Over time, physical changes—such as weight fluctuations, aging, or health conditions—can affect how individuals see themselves and how they perceive their partner. This can lead to feelings of insecurity or discomfort in intimate situations.
How to Overcome Body Confidence Issues
Focus on Self-Care: Encourage both partners to prioritize physical and mental well-being through exercise, healthy eating, and rest.
Compliment Each Other: Regularly affirm your partner’s attractiveness and express your appreciation for them.
Create a Safe Space: Make your bedroom a judgment-free zone where both partners feel comfortable and accepted.
5. Mismatched Sex Drives Are Causing Frustration
It’s common for partners to have different levels of sexual desire, which can lead to feelings of rejection or pressure. Over time, this dynamic can create a cycle where intimacy becomes a source of tension rather than connection.
How to Address Mismatched Libidos
Communicate Honestly: Talk openly about your needs and listen to your partner’s perspective. Understanding each other’s feelings is key to finding a compromise.
Explore Alternatives: Non-sexual forms of intimacy, such as cuddling, kissing, or sensual touch, can help bridge the gap and maintain closeness.
Seek Professional Guidance: If mismatched libidos persist as a source of conflict, consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual health.
6. Life Transitions Have Shifted Priorities
Major life transitions, such as becoming parents, changing careers, moving to a new city, or dealing with aging parents, can significantly impact a couple’s priorities and dynamics. During these times, intimacy often takes a backseat to the practical demands of everyday life. These shifts are natural and sometimes unavoidable, but with awareness and intentional effort, couples can navigate these transitions without losing their connection.
How Life Transitions Affect Intimacy
Increased Responsibilities: Life transitions often come with new responsibilities that can consume time and energy. For example:
Parenthood: Caring for children, especially during the early years, is physically and emotionally demanding, leaving little room for intimacy.
Career Changes: New jobs, promotions, or additional work hours can increase stress and reduce the time available for connection.
Caring for Aging Parents: Balancing your relationship with caregiving duties can strain both partners emotionally and physically.
Emotional Stress: Transitions can bring uncertainty and stress, which may lead to emotional withdrawal or tension in the relationship. Financial pressures, relocation stress, or navigating new roles can create feelings of overwhelm that reduce desire for intimacy.
Shifting Priorities: During major transitions, couples often focus on survival mode—handling immediate needs and responsibilities—at the expense of their relationship. Over time, this can lead to a sense of disconnection, even if both partners are still committed to each other.
Physical Fatigue: Changes like having a newborn, taking on extra work hours, or moving house can lead to exhaustion. When one or both partners are perpetually tired, intimacy often feels less like a priority and more like an additional demand.
Reprioritizing Intimacy During Transitions
Navigating life transitions doesn’t mean intimacy has to disappear—it means being intentional about maintaining your connection. Here’s how to refocus on your relationship, even during challenging times:
Acknowledge the Shift: Start by recognizing that life transitions are temporary phases, not permanent states. Simply acknowledging the challenges you’re facing as a couple can help you both feel seen and validated. Have an honest conversation about how the transition has affected your intimacy and connection.
Example Discussion Starters:
“I feel like we’ve been so busy with [specific responsibility] that we haven’t had much time for us. How do you feel about that?”
“I know this is a hectic time for both of us, but I’d love to find small ways to reconnect. What do you think would help?”
Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that your relationship may look different during a transition. For example, a new parent couple might not have the time or energy for spontaneous romance, but they can focus on smaller gestures of connection. Adjusting your expectations to align with your current circumstances prevents disappointment and frustration.
Practical Strategies for Reconnecting
Carve Out Time for Each Other: Even during busy periods, setting aside time for your relationship is crucial. This doesn’t have to be elaborate or time-consuming:
Schedule regular “mini-dates” at home, like watching a favorite show, playing a board game, or enjoying a cup of coffee together.
Block out time on your calendar for a longer date night or outing when possible.
Embrace Small Moments of Connection: Intimacy doesn’t always require grand gestures. Small, meaningful moments can go a long way in keeping your bond alive:
Send a loving text during the day to let your partner know you’re thinking of them.
Share a quick kiss or hug before leaving the house or when returning home.
Spend five minutes checking in with each other at the end of the day.
Delegate Responsibilities: If possible, seek help to lighten the load during transitions. Whether it’s hiring a babysitter, asking family members for support, or outsourcing tasks like cleaning, delegating responsibilities can free up time and energy for your relationship.
Create Boundaries Around Work or Parenting: Set boundaries to ensure that life’s demands don’t consume all your time and energy. For example:
Establish “work-free” zones in your home to separate professional and personal life.
Implement a consistent bedtime routine for children to create quiet time for yourselves in the evening.
Rekindling Intimacy Through Teamwork
Life transitions are easier to navigate when both partners feel like they’re on the same team. Approach challenges as a united front, focusing on collaboration rather than blame.
Share the Mental Load: Often, one partner may carry more of the mental load during a transition, which can lead to resentment and burnout. Regularly discuss how responsibilities can be divided more equitably.
Example Questions:
“What’s something I can take off your plate this week?”
“Is there a way we can adjust our routine to make things easier for both of us?”
Celebrate Small Victories: Acknowledge and celebrate the efforts you both make to support each other. For example:
“Thank you for taking care of that—it made my day so much easier.”
“I love how we’ve been finding little moments to connect, even when things are hectic.”
Reassessing Long-Term Priorities
During transitions, it’s easy to lose sight of your long-term goals as a couple. Take time to reflect on what’s most important to both of you and how you can work toward those goals together.
Revisit Your Shared Values: Discuss what you want your relationship to look like once the transition stabilizes. What habits or practices can you implement now to maintain your connection?
Plan for the Future: Set aside time to discuss what comes after the transition. For example:
If you’re raising young children, plan a romantic getaway once they’re older.
If one partner is changing careers, discuss how the new schedule might allow for more couple time.
Why Intimacy During Transitions Matters
Life transitions are inevitable, but they don’t have to come at the expense of your relationship. In fact, navigating these challenges together can strengthen your bond and deepen your intimacy. By prioritizing your connection, even in small ways, you show your partner that your relationship is a constant amid life’s changes.
By staying adaptable, communicating openly, and embracing teamwork, couples can emerge from life transitions with a stronger and more resilient relationship—ready to tackle whatever comes next, together.
7. Medical or Psychological Factors Are Affecting Libido
Medical conditions, such as hormonal imbalances, chronic illnesses, or side effects from medications, can impact libido. Additionally, psychological factors like depression, anxiety, or past trauma may play a role.
How to Address Health-Related Challenges
Consult a Doctor: If you suspect a medical issue is affecting your libido, seek advice from a healthcare professional who can provide guidance or treatment.
Work with a Therapist: Psychological factors often require professional support. A counselor or therapist can help address underlying issues.
Be Patient and Supportive: Recognize that health-related challenges take time to address. Offer your partner understanding and encouragement as they work through their difficulties.
Rekindling Intimacy in Your Relationship
While a decline in sexual activity is normal in long-term relationships, it doesn’t have to mean the end of passion. By understanding the root causes, fostering open communication, and taking proactive steps to reconnect, you can rekindle the spark and build a deeper, more fulfilling bond with your partner. Intimacy evolves over time, and with effort, it can continue to grow and thrive.
